


Seventy Questions Series

by Meltha



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, POV, based on a meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-11
Updated: 2012-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-29 08:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meltha/pseuds/Meltha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Watchers Council has sent a questionnaire with some rather odd queries to three different vampires.  The results are perhaps not what one would expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 70 Questions for Spike

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nemo-gravis](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=nemo-gravis).



> Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Mutant Enemy (Joss Whedon), a wonderfully creative company whose characters I have borrowed for a completely profit-free flight of fancy. Kindly do not sue me, please, as I am terrified of you. Thank you.
> 
> Author's Note: Written in response to nemo-gravis's challenge to answer this meme from the perspective of a BtVS or AtS character. The emails are, obviously, fakes

To: Watcher007@rwc.org  
From: angelisapoof@gmail.com  
Subject: Re: The daft questionnaire someone sent me.

Right, so, normally I wouldn’t bother, but I’m bored. Guess that makes it your lucky day, Rupert. Sit back and enjoy the revelations. Some of ‘em might even be true, but I’m not telling which ones.

 

1\. DO YOU SNORE?

So I’m told. Angelus used to give me hell about back in the day. “What proper vampire breathes at all, let alone in his sleep?” ‘cept, of course, he said it in that ridiculous Lucky Charms accent of his. And by the by, he snored like a trucker drunk on cheap booze.

2\. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?

Check your records, mate. Usually both at once.

3\. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?

Bears. They stink like sod all, and to top it off, there are just too damn bloody many teeth in their mouths. Saw one rip the head off a bloke in Colorado in 1922. Dru and me had a laugh over that for about two seconds until the thing started barreling our way. Wound up at the top of a pine tree for the rest of the night.

4\. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?

I predate that by about a century, you twit. I will admit they’re amusing for a few minutes, and you wouldn’t believe some of the places they fit if you get creative.

5 - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ‘REALITY TV’?

I’d rather be staked than watch the stuff. Makes my brain matter come out of my ears in little puddles. I will, however, say I liked Jerry Springer back in the day. Now there was quality entertainment.

6 - DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?

Yeah. Bit of an oral fixation.

7 - WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?

I hate you, Rupert.

8 - IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?

Better bloody well be. More than a mite sick of getting my heart tore open.

9 - WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?

Black, baby.

10 - DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

Sing, no. Dance a bit when it’s called for.

11 - HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?

Once. It was off the Golden Gate Bridge. Highly illegal, that. Best add that to my list of misdemeanors there. Anyways, I don’t think it would really count as the stupid cord snapped when I was partway down, so it wound up being more of a dive than a bungee. Might of killed me if I weren’t already dead. Huh. Guess that makes it more a suicide attempt than an illegal act of bungee. Still illegal, though.

12 - ANY SECRET TALENTS?

Few things I wouldn’t tell the likes of you. And regardless of what Dru might have said, I do NOT polka. There were never any lederhosen. None. Got me?

13 - WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?

Chicago in the 20s was a right fun spot of mayhem, but that’s not me at the mo’. Vegas is always good for a few days’ worth of debauchery. Still, in the mood for a bit of peace about now. Maybe I’ll head back to the mother country. Wouldn’t you just love to see me again, Rupert?

14 - IS JAY LENO FUNNY?

He’s no Jack Parr, but he beats the pants off that Irish git that looks like Howdy Doody. No, not Angel. The other git.

15 - CAN YOU SWIM?

Being chucked out of a Nazi sub several miles off the coast of Greenland was a great motivator in that department.

16 - HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “DONNIE DARKO”?

Nah. All that talk about Armageddon seems a mite to much like real life for my taste. Last movie I saw that I liked was that Serenity flick. That Inara was one nice bit of pastry, but it was that Zoe bird who made me sit up and take notice. Warrior women. Gotta love ‘em.

17 - DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?

Not for myself, no. There are a few people who I would like to see still able to breathe, though, so yes.

18 - HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?

I always hated Tootsie Rolls. Fake chocolate. What’s the good of that? They did make nice little projectiles when I used to drop them off the catwalk at the Bronze, though, and for some reason the chip didn’t go off. Guess the Initiative didn’t recognize Tootsie Roll Pops as a weapon of mass destruction or summat.

19 - CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?

After over a hundred years with Dru, that’s the way I normally sing it.

20 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?

Yeah, once. Not a happy memory there. Move along.

21 - ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?

I suppose technically when Darla got herself re-sired, she was sort of my sister. And also my great-grandmum. Which would make me my own uncle. Or grandfather. Or something. Sod it all, this is going to annoy me now until I’ve worked it out.

22 - DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?

Now there a deep, penetrating question. Electric. The noise is fun.

23 - WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?

I’m still on the wagon. I only hunt the bad guys now. Still a hell of a lot of fun, though.

24 - IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?

I… God, I need a drink.

25 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

S’alright. Mite loopy in places, but gives it some flare.

26 - WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?

If you really need me to run down the list of Things a Vampire Is Allergic To, you need a refresher course. Add women with emotional attachment problems to the list and that’s me.

27 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”?

Buffy. Moving on.

28 - IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?

That was Dru, not me! Personally, I thought the whole pelvis thing was rather too over the top.

29 - DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?

I don’t do weddings… well, not anymore.

30 - HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

Scrambled, jalapenos, bit of chili sauce.

31 - ARE BLONDES DUMB?

No. Unless they are named Harmony. Then yes more times than I can count, thank God.

32 - WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?

I don’t wear socks, so I couldn’t sodding care less.

33 - WHAT TIME IS IT?

‘bout time to watched Stacked. I do so love the plotlines in that show. Deep, full of themes, full of… who’m I kidding? You’ve seen ‘em. Should be the Eighth and Ninth Wonders of the World and declared National Treasures.

34 - DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?

This may come as a shock, but my mother didn’t actually name me Spike, Rupe.

35 - IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?

I enjoy Happy Meals. Take that any way you please.

36 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?

That’d be just after Angel slew that dragon. Me, Captain Poofy Hair, Big Blue, and Gunn, what was left of the poor fella, hopped in a Mustang Angel lifted from Wolfram & Hart, and drove like a bat out of hell until we hit Mexico. I never did get my turn at the wheel. All four tires blew at once in the middle of the Baja penninsula, and of course Batman didn’t have so much as a dollar bill on him, Blue kept muttering on about not killin’ enough things, Gunn managed to still give us all a look that said we were a bunch of idiots, and I had all of ten bucks and a squashed Three Musketeers in my duster’s pockets. Long story short, we patched up Charlie, washed dishes for three weeks at a dive in Tiajuana, got cab fare to Dallas, and the rest is history. Or possibly the sequel to Debbie Does Dallas. I do enjoy the classics.

37 - DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?

Shower. Baths are for birds.

38 - IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

Yeah. Isn’t any Clement Moore creation though. You see him comin’ down your chimney, you’d best hide under the bed and pray hard. Or offer him cookies. That bit is true. That demon has a sweet tooth like you wouldn’t believe. He didn’t get that physique by eating Grape Nuts.

39 - DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?

Yeah. What of it?

40 - ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

No. Be blamed silly that, wouldn’t it?

41 - WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

I am looped in the loops of her hair. Moving on.

42 - CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?

Crunchy for eating, creamy for other things. Moving on.

43 - CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?

Yeah. Usually do before a brawl. Helps to loosen up, get ready to party.

44 - HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?

Back in the 70s in New York, I hijacked one once and went on a joyride around Brooklyn. I’d had a mite too much Jack, though, and wound up smacking it into the side of a deli. Made it a drive through, so to speak. Good pastrami, though.

45 - HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?

Twice. I hate blood breath.

46 - IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?

After that stupidity at Woodstock, bloody hell yeah. I don’t fancy spending the rest of my unlife staring at cracks on the wall and finding the meaning of the universe in my naval lint.

47 - ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?

Not really. I fake sleeping pretty well, though.

48 - WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

I think they’re blue. It’s been a while.

50 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?

I… oh, what the hell, not like I can see you laughing. No. It’s lonely having forever with no one to spend it with.

51 - DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCING?

Tats, no. I used to have a few piercings back in the day, including one through my eyebrow. Then one day the stupid thing got wrenched out in a fight with a Groshkl, and let me tell you, that cured me of wanting a piercing ever again.

52 - ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

No. And I’m right glad of it.

53 - HAVE YOU READ ‘CATCHER IN THE RYE’?

Yeah. I used to read it aloud to Dru. Salinger’s okay, but I like others better. Now Dickens, there was a man who could write about misery and make you love it.

54 - DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?

I tried guitar once upon a time. Didn’t have the patience for it.

55 - HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?

Oh, please! No, Rupert, I’ve never stolen money. I’m also the Pope and enjoy sunbathing and doing the luau naked with Ricky Martin.

56 - CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?

You know, I did try that once. It was fun for a bit, but after a while I got bored. Not sure I see the point to a sport where you don’t slug someone in the eye with your elbow on occasion.

57 - DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?

Sleeping out in the elements isn’t exactly on the top of my list of things to do, mainly because of sunlight being an issue, but I’ve slept in a cave or a particularly dense crop of trees on occasion. I’ve had worse.

58 - DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?

Only if Angel does something particularly daft. Which is often.

59 - DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

No, Rupert. After being used in a spell to open a Hellmouth, seeing the results of Willow whipping the skin off a bloke with her brain, living with Dru for a century, becoming a vampire, performing a bloody curative spell for Dru using her sire’s blood, incinerating myself with jewelry from the Joan Rivers collection and fighting more demons than hell itself holds, I have seen no proof that anything supernatural exists. I’m also a virgin.

60 - ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?

I actually think so. I like dogs. They don’t mind if you wander in at the end of the day covered in demon pus as long as you give ‘em a burger on occasion. Course, mind you, that’s a real dog, not one of those pedigree, I’m-better-than-you poodle type things. Those things are annoying as hell. Yap yap yap, reminds me of Darla.

61 - YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?

I think… I think you should try to make things work. Walking away isn’t always the right choice.

62 - CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?

Yeah. It kept Dru amused around 1984. If something amused her, trust me, I used it to my advantage. Poor bird had the attention span of a gnat and there was all manner of hell to pay if she got too bored. One night she attacked the parade floats for the Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York. Used a flame thrower to explode a helium balloon of Big Bird. She said he was “the evil bluebird of happiness and must be punished for not knowing his letters.” I tried to tell her he was yellow, but she gave me The Look. You know the one, the one all women do that essentially means “Agree with me or you are never getting laid again”? Wait, where did this all start off? Right, Wacko Jacko’s Dance of Doom. Yeah, I can moonwalk.

63 - DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?

Too many to count, Rupe, and the number just goes up when I actually try to do something right.

64 - IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?

At the moment I’m in Nova Scotia. It’s bloody freezing.

65 - WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

A pint of O+ and a White Castle crave case.

66 - DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?

I used to, but I haven’t for a while. That was really all Dru’s doing. She painted ‘em one night when I was sleeping. She’d been prattling on forever about how nice they’d look if I’d only let her at them, and I have to admit, she was right. I gave it up over the years, though. Just too much bother waiting for ‘em to dry, and smudged nails look stupid.

67 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?

No, actually. I’ve kissed plenty, but been kissed, not really.

68 - WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?

Florida Natural Orange juice, with the bleeding cartons growing on the trees connected to the dairy case. I don’t know why it irks me so badly, but it does. Stupid happy citrus growing people who never keep the juice case stocked and play rugby with the damn cartons to deliver them.

69 - DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?

No. I did the Gap once, then burned everything I stole. Black is my look, and it’s where I’ll stay.

70 - FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?

Good Charlotte isn’t bad, and Green Day is okay, but I’m revisiting my Kinks records with a side order of the Pogues and the New York Dolls, little bit of Hendrix now and again. Nothing like the classics, mate.


	2. Seventy Questions for Drusilla

1\. DO YOU SNORE?

Not sure. The pretties I take to bed don't live long enough to tell, usually.

2\. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?

I don't see a difference. Two sides of the same sparkly coin, both spattered in blood. Blood money, that is.

3\. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?

I woke alone in the dirt. I don't want to turn to dirt alone. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, alone in the burning air.

4\. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?

I have never been any sort of maniac. I did eat a few, though. Built little houses out of the bones.

5 - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ‘REALITY TV’?

I like when they play with rats and bugs, but the rats and bugs never seem to win. It seems a shame.

6 - DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?

Don't use a straw. But I like to suck.

7 - WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?

Little damned darling, fated at birth to crack and crawl, roll in dirt and love it so.

8 - IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?

They all leave.

9 - WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?

Chopin.

10 - DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

Mmm, yeah. Lovely snips and snatches of old tunes. Scrub up like a good girl, out damned spot, cleanliness is next to godliness and the water won't burn unless it's pure and good.

11 - HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?

It seems a bit insane to me.

12 - ANY SECRET TALENTS?

I whisper with fairies, sppss, sppss, and they tell me what happens on the other side of the world, but everyone knows that. Daddy and Spike know things I can do that would make the little virgins blush. I can make lasagna, too.

13 - WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?

Pittsburgh. The moon. Death Valley. Paris. Siberia. Hiroshima. McDonald's. Omaha.

14 - IS JAY LENO FUNNY?

He may taste funny...

15 - CAN YOU SWIM?

No. But I visit the fishies down below, and sometimes even when there's no water, I see them swim past, making faces. They are very rude.

16 - HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “DONNIE DARKO”?

It was too normal.

17 - DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?

You shouldn't use horrid, nasty, common language in front of a princess! I don't breathe anymore. Daddy saw to that.

18 - HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?

Sweets for the sweet, sticky and soft inside, chewy. Open your jaws and it's done.

19 - CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?

I sing all things backwards. It's forwards that's hard.

20 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?

No. I fly on my own sometimes. They say I can't, but I do. Miss Edith knows.

21 - ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?

I am now.

22 - DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?

They offer such possibilities for making the pencil bleed and scream. Ten pencils on their hands, and each a pretty red.

23 - WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?

::licks teeth:: I'm getting hungry.

24 - IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?

I shall never be a white bride. Nor a bride in black. Angelus stopped the wedding cold and took me as his own.

25 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

I don't write too often. It's hard.

26 - WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?

The golden sky and the holy water, the sign of the One who doesn't love me anymore, the sharp wooden splinters in my heart, and the sword at my throat. And shrimp.

27 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”?

Never. There' s none to hear and never was, not really.

28 - IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?

Who told you!

29 - DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?

No. The others cry when I am there.

30 - HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

Raw.

31 - ARE BLONDES DUMB?

Yeah. Silly, evil, bad things.

32 - WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?

Heaven. Or the other place. Or McDonald's. I found it in my chili.

33 - WHAT TIME IS IT?

Time wafts away on the wings of the night; it's sometime eveywhere in all the world. Somewhere, there's time for it all, and time slips away. And time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much. Patrick Swayze had pretty muddy hands. Naughty things...

34 - DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?

Princess. Black Rose. Dark Goddess. The drippy-antlers used to call me Hot Stuff. I ate him.

35 - IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?

Ask the sock.

36 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?

After Spike chose I took a ride. He was a handsome boy from the university. He picked me up at the coffee shop. He parked his car on top of the hill and tried to do bad things. I did worse.

37 - DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?

Baths are lovely, especially with scented bubbles. Rich lather. Lovely. Soft. Clean and fresh as air in the morning. It stings. The dirt won't come clean.

38 - IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

Of course. I like him. Makes the guts go splat.

39 - DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?

Ladies don't tell. So yeah. And other things.

 

40 - ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

Afraid of the light. Dark is a friend. Darkness descends in raven-colored clothes, but not anymore for him.

41 - WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

Daddy. Gush and cry, slap and scream, pant, moan, tear at the bonds and crash to the floor.

42 - CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?

Creamy. Other sort sticks in my teeth.

43 - CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?

I crack necks all the time, but not my own. That would be silly.

44 - HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?

Once, in Londontown. Someone thought they found a dead girl in the alley, all cold and pale like a frozen lily. The men came to take her away. Surprised when I sat up. Didn't say much more though. The sirens screamed so pretty, and so did they. Music for princess.

45 - HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?

Ever so many, for it's each time I eat, you see.

46 - IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?

Spike said once that if I did drugs, I'd go ordinary. I don't know what he meant. He ate that one smelly person at the music fest and started clattering on about having too many hands. It was dull.

47 - ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?

I sleep like the dead.

48 - WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

Look and see, dearie. Closer. Closer. Yeah...

50 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?

I did until the end. The last bit was bad. Since then it's been up and down, sideways and loop the loop.

51 - DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCING?

I was pierced once upon a time, and a few times since. And I like piercing very much.

52 - ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

Cursed.

53 - HAVE YOU READ ‘CATCHER IN THE RYE’?

Spike read it to me at bedtime. It gave me wonderful dreams.

54 - DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?

I play my dinner like bagpipes.

55 - HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?

It doesn't count as stealing if they're already dead, does it?

56 - CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?

I don't know. Maybe I'll try it sometime. Whizz down the mountain side. Bump and hit the tree. Maybe not.

57 - DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?

I like sleeping under the stars. Especially indoors.

58 - DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?

Of course not! Mummy taught me better. No one can call me rude. At least not more than once.

59 - DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

It's all magic, lovey. Everywhere. In, out, side by side, in, out, on. It pops out from the boxes and hisses in the grass; it's never still. But the world is blind. Sometimes I make it so.

60 - ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?

I had a puppy once. I don't think about that anymore.

61 - YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?

The holy Church says no. Or is it yes? I can't keep things straight since the Latin went away. But I don't think daddies should leave their little girls, nor knights take up with wanton hussies. Breaking up a family hurts.

62 - CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?

I walk always in the moon.

63 - DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?

I know sometimes I do things that make others stare, but I'm the one who turns out right in the end.

64 - IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?

It's cold inside every day. Always cold. No light left.

65 - WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

A postal worker. They have funny socks.

66 - DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?

Always. A lady must keep pretty and sweet and sharp and the color hides the blood so well when it needs to be hid but keeps it so my eyes see it.

67 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?

Yeah. It's nice, but it's almost always lies, isn't it? A real one should make my lips burn.

68 - WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?

Aflac duck. Ducks don't talk. All people know that much. Pretty white duck should keep his bill shut and hum like a top. I'm hungry.

69 - DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?

Never. Vile things there. They show their knees like common doxie girls. It's an evil age, full of sin and bellybuttons and pants that show underthings. No morals at all. I'm still hungry.

70 - FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?

I still hear Syd in my head, though I wish sometimes I didn't. Pretty pain. I'm done now. And I need to eat. I always do.


	3. Seventy Questions for Angelus

To: Watcher007@rwc.org  
From: innocentface@gmail.com  
Subject: RE: Watchers Council Questions

Well, gosh, Rupert. You managed to get the souled moron to take a little siesta for ten minutes or so just so I could answer your little questionaire. I’m deeply touched that you thought of me. Very deeply. After all, we have so many fond memories together. I think you’re going to enjoy reading these. Or maybe not. But I know I will. Let’s begin, shall we, hmm?

1\. DO YOU SNORE?

No. Spike tried to tell me once that I did. I hung him by his suspenders from a flagpole at the front of our townhouse in Vienna, and the only reason he didn’t see daylight was Dru whining. Damn, I wish I hadn’t given in on that one.

2\. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?

You can ask any of the thousands of girls I’ve… loved. My attentions to them are always very considerate, all-encompassing, highly personalized. As for fighting, I can still kick Spike’s ass every which way from Sunday and back again. The soul, that’s a wuss. If I’d been in control with that Mountain Dew fiasco, I can tell you, I would have been the one with the caffeine rush.

3\. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?

Oh, you mean when I wake in the dead of night, terrified and shivering, poor wittle me. I don’t fear things, Rupert. They fear me if they’ve got half a brain. And since Angel’s happy little shanshu has gone the way of the dodo, all I have to do is sit back and wait. I’ve got plenty of time, and it’s just going to take one little bit of bliss for me to be back permanently. I’ll have to drop by and see you then, won’t I? Unfinished business.

4\. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?

The hell? You sent me a form questionaire? No, Rupert, I was not a lego maniac, and despite what you may think, I’m not a maniac at all. Geez, all I do is going on a killing spree for a century or so and people start to look at you funny… well, until you pull their eyeballs out of their sockets. By the way, what color are your eyes again? Green, aren’t they?

5 - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ‘REALITY TV’?

I watched too much of it in hell already.

6 - DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?

There are only two things I drink: blood and booze, preferably a decent pint of Guiness. Neither one goes well with a straw. Of course, that could be interesting, though. I wonder what the logistics would be for killing someone through a straw. Good jab to the carotid might just do it. Thanks, Rupert. You’ve given me a great piece of inspiration for a kill some day, and the victim owes it all to you. Be proud.

7 - WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?

They didn’t have photographs back then but judging by the way the lasses came running a few years later, I’d say I was above average. I’ve never really understood the appeal of babies, myself. Ugly, pudgy, bawling, smelly, red-faced things. They just don’t fill me up, either. Always room for one more.

8 - IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?

I’m never alone for long unless I want to be. What with Spike going all Prince Valiant, Dru drifting off to the other side of the world and Darla in lots of tiny pieces, I could start looking for a new playmate, I suppose. Maybe that little redhead Buffy used to pal around with. I remember seeing her in leather. Soulboy nearly drooled all over himself. You think he’s repressing much?

9 - WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?

Black. What’s yours? Oh wait… that’s right. It’s silver, isn’t it? How do I know? Wouldn’t you just love to find out. Maybe I’m watching you… maybe just a lucky guess...

Silver. With a little streak of dried coffee on the upper left corner.

10 - DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

On occasion I sing a few arias from some of the better Wagner operas.

11 - HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?

No, that’s after my time. However, now that I think about it, I did shove a few people off a cliff in my time, but there wasn’t any cord attached. Do I get partial credit, Gramps?

12 - ANY SECRET TALENTS?

You already have files on this in the Watchers Council, I know, but yes, I am fluent in several demon languages, Gaelic, Romanian, and Chinese. I’m an expert marksman. I’m an exceptionally good judge of fine wines. I can also make people beg for death with relative ease.

13 - WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?

If I’d been in control in Vegas, we would have had a hell of a lot more fun back in the 50s. There probably wouldn’t be much left of the place today, but it still would have been fun.

14 - IS JAY LENO FUNNY?

No. But you know who is? You, Rupert, thinking you still have a purpose in life. What, does Buffy keep you around for old times’ sake? Didn’t I hear that you ran out on her a few years ago after her mother died and the Slayer wound up flipping burgers for a living and shacking up with Spike? Gosh, do you think it’s possible you abandoned your post and screwed things up again? Think that might be why the First came back and Sunnydale, your responsibility, is now a giant pothole? What’s it feel like to be truly useless, Rupe? Useless and utterly alone… what a perfectly miserable combination. But enough about you.

15 - CAN YOU SWIM?

Yes, I can swim. I lived in a fishing village as a human. When I was a kid, I used to sneak down at night when I knew the girls were bathing, crouch down in the high reeds and watch. Some things never change.

16 - HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “DONNIE DARKO”?

I’ve been locked inside this self-flagellating idiot for years except for the occasional slip, and he doesn’t go to the movies all that often, and he never listens to my suggestions when he does. So no, I haven’t seen Donnie Darko. I have, however, been forced to view Finding Nemo several dozen times because he finds it heartwarming. I hate that damn crippled clownfish.

17 - DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?

No.

18 - HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?

You are incredibly stupid, Rupert. If this is an attempt at being funny, I’d suggest reviewing your Monty Python tapes again. I don’t eat candy. You know what I eat. You know how sweet those little Slayers you created a few years ago are going to taste when I finally get to meet them. Think they’ll eat a few Tootsie Pops for me first, get themselves extra succulent for old Angelus?

19 - CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?

No. You and I both know, Rupe, it’s never a good idea to say things backwards. It tends to lead to all sorts of unpleasantness. Half the spells out there work that way.

20 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?

A few times. I like it. Makes getting from place to place a faster, and the food is great. Got to love stewardesses. Oh, pardon me. Flight attendants. I wouldn’t want anyone to accuse me of being sexist.

21 - ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?

I wasn’t. Dear, sweet Kathy. God, was she ever dense.

22 - DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?

Manual. I’m an old-fashioned boy at heart.

23 - WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?

It’s one of the joys of life. Everything is a hunt, Rupert, you know that. Getting a girl to sleep with you, getting the job you want, slapping little old ladies out of the way at the Christmas sales… all of it has a savor of the hunt about it. Pale shadows, but the same thing. We all need the pump, Rupert, adrenaline rushing through the system like the best drug ever invented, making you drunk on it. You remember what that felt like, don’t you? Eyghon’s still in here, by the way. He says hello. He’ll stop in to see you again one day.

24 - IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?

Only when my one twu wuv comes along and makes a better man of me, just like in the fairytales. And then I’ll splatter her limbs around the reception hall. I’ll do it compassionately and artistically, of course, since she made a better man of me.

25 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Perfection.

26 - WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?

Aside from the usual for a vampire, I don’t like wool. It makes me itchy.

27 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”?

Oh, I used to say that quite regularly. Amazing how fast you can get a girl to drop ‘em if you use the big puppy dog eyes and the “I love you” line. Why, I do believe that worked on Buffy once upon a time. Oh, sure, the soul meant it and all that, but still, it really wasn’t all that difficult to get her on her back when you get down to it. Don’t they teach them any morals anymore? What’s the world coming to?

28 - IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?

From what I understand, Dru did that back in the 70s. Elvis was interesting enough guy, you understand. I mean, hey, one of the few things Angelboy did right was hang around the King, you know? Him and Sinatra, though I wouldn’t want to have seen old Blue Eyes turned. Now there was a guy who could have broken you in two even if he was a human, and if he couldn’t he knew a guy. Would have been way too powerful. Elvis, though, he’s hanging out somewhere in Australia now, I think.

29 - DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?

Yes. I cry so hard at weddings that my sweet little just heart breaks in two. I love weddings; not as much as I love convents, but weddings are a close second. It’s so easy to bolt the door when everybody’s already drunk.

30 - HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

I don’t eat human food. I’m not Spike, the sappy do-gooder who ruined my plans for Acathla and a perfect vampire paradise because he liked dog racing and humanity. The only thing I care about when it comes to people is how loud they can scream. I remember you hit some truly impressive notes, Rupert. I’d love to hear an encore sometime.

31 - ARE BLONDES DUMB?

Yes. They are.

32 - WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?

Laundry, Giles? How the mighty have fallen. We all know where the other sock winds up: alone. Sitting by itself, without a mate, destined to just be crumpled up and forgotten behind the dryer lint. Kind of like you.

33 - WHAT TIME IS IT?

It’s time for this dope I inhabit to get happy and let me drive. You know it’s going to happen eventually. It has to. Unless you want to do something about it. Wouldn’t you just love to see Angel turn into a puddle of dust? But then how would you justify that to poor little Buffy? Guess we’re both stuck dealing with the idiot.

34 - DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?

Aside from the Scourge of Europe and the One with the Angelic Face, not really.

35 - IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?

Call me nuts, but I like their coffee. Go ahead. Call me nuts. I dare you.

36 - WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?

That would be the Mustang in Baja with the souled one driving. I tried getting him to speed up just a little more, but he wouldn’t listen. He drives like my grandmother, and she was in a wagon pulled by a mule, so at least she had an excuse.

37 - DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?

Baths, but not necessarily ones filled with water.

38 - IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

Sure. Annoying as hell with that stupid laugh, but he was tolerable most of the time. At least he knew how to throw a party.

39 - DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?

Generally speaking, I like to keep things away from my neck.

40 - ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

Are you? You should be.

41 - WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

This is what you really want to know, isn’t it? All vampires have an addiction, and I don’t mean the obvious here. There’s a drive we each have, and as soon as you figure it out, you can torture us, because that’s what we live for. For Dru, it was family. For Spike, it was love. For Darla, it was security. I loved playing with all of them. What’s mine, you ask? Uh-uh. Not telling.

42 - CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?

No human food.

43 - CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?

No, but I sometimes help others with that problem. Your girlfriend, for instance. What was that little Gypsy’s name again? Jenny? Yeah, that was it. Jenny. Her bones made such a sweet crack when I killed her. Oh, it was fast, Rupert. She didn’t really feel a thing. I’m sure that’s a great consolation to you. I’m only here to make you feel better.

44 - HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?

No, actually. Though I have to admit, I like the idea. Meals on Wheels.

45 - HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?

I’m a demon stuck inside somebody else’s body, and I’m not even in control of it. I don’t even have teeth.

46 - IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?

Considering drugs actually made me come back briefly, I think Angel ought to do them all he can.

47 - ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?

I’m always awake in here. I’m always waiting.

48 - WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

Gold.

50 - DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?

Sure, I love being cooped up inside a guy who won’t have any fun and insists on playing Robin Hood if Robin Hood was a eunuch. That’s right, soulboy, I called you a eunuch, because you are. Eve does not count, and as for Nina, geez, did you have to picture Bush naked while you were in bed with her just to make sure you didn’t get to happy? That’s another reason I don’t sleep; can you imagine the nightmares?

51 - DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCING?

Griffin with an A on my shoulder. I’m sure Buffy told you all about it. I got that in celebration of my ten year anniversary with Darla. She wasn’t even sure it would work on a vampire, but it’s held up pretty well over the years. Why a griffin? I don’t remember. I was drunk at the time.

52 - ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

No.

53 - HAVE YOU READ ‘CATCHER IN THE RYE’?

No. For some reason, that one wasn’t on Angel’s reading list.

54 - DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?

I used to play the bodhran a bit back in the day. As any of my lady friends can tell you, I have an excellent sense of rhythm.

55 - HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?

Is there any other way to get it?

56 - CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?

No, and I don’t really have any interest in it. Careening down the side of a mountain on a piece of fiberglass? I’m homocidal, not gauche.

57 - DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?

No, I prefer to sleep indoors, preferrably in the lap of luxury, someplace with a canopied bed and room service. So nice of them to come right to the room like that.

58 - DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?

No. Huff a bit, perhaps. Snort, never.

59 - DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

Darla and I had a son, for crying out loud. What am I supposed to believe in? By the way, how is Connor? Such a good son. Banged his dad’s girlfriend then tried to kill him. Chip off the old block. I kinda like the kid. Oh, wait, is Buffy going to see this? Did she not know Angel was lusting after Cordelia, the girl who pretty much thought she was pondscum? Whoops.

60 - ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?

No, but they’re a great way to get people angry fast.

61 - YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?

I was raised Catholic. Of course not. I wouldn’t want to sully myself with a mortal sin now, would I? Wait, do they even still have mortal sins? All I know is there aren’t enough convents anymore.

62 - CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?

I’m going to hurt you, Giles.

63 - DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?

Well, eating the Gypsy wasn’t the brightest thing I ever did.

64 - IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?

There’s a blizzard going on outside. Fun to watch.

65 - WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

The last thing Angel ate was a mug of otter blood with a sprinkling of cinnamin. The last thing I ate was a co-ed from Sunnydale U just before the showdown with Acathla. I never did get a decent bite while the Beast was making it eternally night, which, by the way, was a really neat idea.

66 - DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?

I tried black polish once, but I felt like an idiot waving my hands around to get them to dry. I’ll leave the femme thing to Spike.

67 - HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?

Yes, I have, by more beauties than you could ever count.

68 - WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?

The Red Cross. Stopping misery and sticking a symbol that burns me right in front of my face. It makes me sick.

69 - DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?

I don’t shop anywhere. Angel, on the other hand, has fairly decent fashion sense, though he’s too conservative. Leather will not make him go evil, but will he listen to me? Of course not.

70 - FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?

I prefer classical: Beethoven, a little Rachmaninoff, some Mozart. Riverdance isn’t bad.

Well, Rupert, I’ve really had fun filling out this little form for you. I hope I’ve been an asset to the Watchers Council, and that Buffy and that sweet little Dawn and all those young, nubile Slayers you’re training will learn a great deal from it. I intend to make their acquaintance very soon. See you around, Rupert. Oh, and number 43? I lied. She suffered a lot.


End file.
